Recovery from Social Anxiety and Related Conditions
Robert F. Mullen, PhD
Director/ReChanneling
For each new subscriber, ReChanneling donates $25 for workshop scholarships.
The primary distinction between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder lies in the severity of symptoms. Not everyone is affected in the same way, as the intensity and persistence of symptoms vary widely from person to person. Although the characteristics and traits of these conditions may appear similar across individuals, each person’s experience is shaped by a unique combination of environment, life experiences, and the diversity of human thought and behavior.
Additionally, it is important to recognize that comorbidities—other mental health conditions that occur alongside social anxiety—are highly prevalent. This underscores the complexity of these anxiety disorders. As such, effective recovery strategies must address not only social anxiety but also its related conditions. Throughout this book, when recovery methods are discussed for social anxiety, social phobia, and social anxiety disorder, they are intended to apply to all three.
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Perfectionism and Unreasonable Expectations
Poor self-analysis compels us to overcompensate. Perfectionism is a byproduct of overcompensation. Perfectionism leads us to set unreasonable expectations.
None of us is perfect; we all have aspects we hide, fearing they may make us appear defective or inadequate. Ostensibly, we conceal these perceptual shortcomings or justify them through defense mechanisms such as repression and projection. Or we displace our anger, deny our faults, and rationalize our actions.
Living with persistent negative self-appraisal is emotionally destabilizing. People experiencing social anxiety crave connection with others, but fears of intimacy and rejection make it challenging to initiate, develop, and maintain healthy relationships. These insecurities compel us to create defense mechanisms to justify our avoidance.
Defense Mechanisms
Defense mechanisms are short-term psychological coping mechanisms that safeguard unresolved threats to our emotional well-being. They excuse the irrational thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that our conscious minds are currently unwilling or unable to manage.
Without coping mechanisms, healthy or otherwise, we risk decompensation—the inability or unwillingness to develop effective psychological alternatives to the symptoms of our condition, which can lead to personality disturbances or disintegration.
Nonetheless, defense mechanisms can be healthy tools for managing trauma and other distressful thoughts and behaviors until we are ready to resolve them.
Compensation
Compensation is a defense mechanism in which we overachieve in one area of our lives to compensate for perceived defects in another. For instance, someone who feels socially inadequate might become a performer, while a teenager may excel in sports to offset learning difficulties.
Compensation can be a powerful tool for personal growth when used appropriately. We counter negative thoughts and behaviors by replacing them with positive, productive ones. We compensate for low self-esteem by acknowledging our strengths, virtues, and achievements.
Overcompensation
Because we want to mitigate the pain of experiencing our condition as swiftly as possible, we overcompensate. We push the envelope. Overcompensation, especially when unconscious, often leads to adverse consequences such as burnout, strained relationships, and missed opportunities.
Moderation, as always, is the key.
Dr. Mullen is doing impressive work helping the world. He is the
pioneer of proactive neuroplasticity, utilizing DRNI – deliberate,
repetitive, neural information. – WeVoice (Madrid, Málaga)
Perfectionism
Overcompensation, a struggle many of us can relate to, often leads to the trap of perfectionism, which is not merely a desire to do well but a need to be flawless. Anything less feels unsatisfactory. Perfectionism is widespread among individuals experiencing social anxiety.
As perfectionists, we overreact when our expectations are unmet. We struggle to move forward when things do not go as planned. Research shows that individuals experiencing social anxiety have lower implicit and explicit self-esteem compared to healthy individuals. Perfectionists tend to experience higher levels of anxiety and lower levels of psychological well-being.
To a perfectionist, anything less than perfect is catastrophic. We often engage in polarized thinking, viewing situations in extremes. Our colleagues are either for us or against us. The world is black or white, with no room for compromise. We see ourselves as either exceptional or failures.
A Parallel Relationship
Perfectionism and social anxiety often go hand in hand.
Perfectionists and people with SAD tend to avoid situations that might lead to failure or embarrassment. We fear saying or doing something inappropriate, being criticized, or facing negative evaluations. These apprehensions only intensify our self-criticism and defensiveness.
Our critical nature and fear of rejection often lead us to isolate ourselves, which affects our ability to connect with others and maintain satisfying relationships.
Our perfectionism drives us to set unreasonable expectations, such as performing flawlessly, never making mistakes, and always being in control. These expectations are often impossible to achieve, resulting in further feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.
Reasonable Expectations
An expectation is a strong emotional belief that something will happen in the future. When we set expectations, we become invested in the outcome. But what happens if our expectations are unmet? We psychologically attach ourselves to them because we have a stake in the result. In our minds, we perceive our expectations as happening. When things don’t go as planned, we typically respond with anger and disappointment.
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Unmet Expectations
Disappointment is a powerful emotion. Experts describe the reaction to disappointment as a form of sadness – an expression of desperation or grief due to loss. While it’s true that we can’t lose what we never had, setting an unreasonable expectation makes it feel real, and we experience the loss intensely. This feeling can lead to depression, self-loathing, and symptoms associated with perfectionism and social anxiety.
How do we set reasonable expectations when our perfectionism demands the brass ring? It is human nature to aspire to excellence.
Determine Expectations Early On
Setting expectations carefully in advance allows us to plan strategies and coping mechanisms to help meet them. Expectations should be rational, reasonable, achievable, and constructive. For instance, an unreasonable expectation at a networking event would be to find the job of our dreams. On the other hand, a reasonable expectation could be to hand out our business card to a potential contact.
Going to a social event expecting to form a lasting relationship is also unrealistic. A more reasonable expectation would be to meet people who share similar interests.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
No matter how reasonably we set them, our expectations will occasionally be partially or wholly unmet. We may need to modify them to accommodate the situation, more practice, or an extension of our planned timeframe.
Reasonable expectations require flexibility. While we control our reactions and responses to situations, we are subject to external factors over which we have no control. This is part of the learning process. By reframing our perspective, we learn to recognize the positive aspects of experience.
Be Mindful of Distorted Thinking
People experiencing social anxiety are highly susceptible to cognitive distortions and other defense mechanisms. Recognizing, understanding, and accepting the self-destructive nature of these and other defense mechanisms is essential to recovery. This can be achieved through therapy, self-reflection, and mindfulness practices.
We can only reasonably set expectations for ourselves. Setting expectations of others will result in frustration and disappointment because we have no control over their outcome. It is called self-esteem, not other-esteem. We only have jurisdiction over subjective expectations.
Self-Appreciation
Self-appreciation is recognizing and enjoying our qualities and achievements. For every positive attempt or interaction, congratulate yourself. You deserve to experience the pride and satisfaction that accompany such efforts fully. Always be kind to yourself.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. If we are foolishly determined to fly, our wings will melt and hurl us back to earth. Reasonable expectations will keep us on the ground.
Recovery is a life’s work in progress. There is no absolute cure for social anxiety, no magic pill, but by practicing recovery tools over time, we experience an exponential and dramatic moderation of our symptoms. The key is always progress over perfection.
Perfectionism is a byproduct of overcompensation. Perfectionism leads us to set unreasonable expectations.
Reasonable expectations align our projections with the probability of success.
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WHY IS YOUR SUPPORT SO NECESSARY?
ReChanneling develops and conducts programs to alleviate the symptoms of social anxiety and help individuals tap into their innate potential for extraordinary living. Our unique approach focuses on understanding personality through empathy and collaboration, integrating neuroscience and psychology. This includes proactive neuroplasticity, cognitive-behavioral modification, positive psychology, and techniques designed to reclaim and rebuild self-esteem. Every contribution, regardless of its size, supports individuals who strive to make a positive change in their own lives and the lives of others. All donations go towards scholarships for groups and workshops.
INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY. The symptoms of social anxiety make it challenging for some to participate in a collective workshop. Dr. Mullen works one-on-one with a select group of individuals who are uneasy in group settings. ReChanneling offers scholarships to accommodate the costs. What is absent in group activities is provided in our monthly Graduate Recovery Group. In this supportive community, graduates interact with others who have completed the program. Contact ‘rmullenphd@gmail.com’.
Committing to recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
It takes enormous courage and the realization that you are of value,
consequential, and deserving of happiness.