The Introduction

Dr. Robert F. Mullen

Edited by Olalekan Raji

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The reason for posting this introduction to our book is twofold. Hopefully, it will generate constructive criticism from my readers, as I thrive on your wisdom and experiences. It also allows us to conveniently direct publishers who have expressed interest in the book while the editor works through twenty-six chapters of final draft material.

Introduction

Tough Love and Common Sense

In his book, Optimal Happiness, Roman Russo provides the analogy of the person who falls into an open sewer and can’t climb out. Imagine that person is you. A therapist peers into the hole, and you ask for help. She tosses you a shovel so you can dig your way out. A priest stops by, and you beg him to save you. He tells you to say five Hail Marys and the Act of Contrition. Your friends stop by, and you ask for support. They mock your stupidity and move on. I come across you flailing about in the sewer. What do I do? I jump into the hole with you. How does that help, you ask? I spent years in the same sewer, and I know the way out.

I have been where you are now. Your experiences are not alien to me; your fears have been my fears. There’s nothing you’ve felt or done that I haven’t encountered or considered. I have felt your pain and frustration. Living with severe social anxiety disorder for much of my life, I was, like you, bewildered, angry, and depressed – a social pariah convinced there was something wrong with me. I know firsthand the controlling, devious, and manipulative nature of our condition.  

No one is better qualified to help you than someone who spent half his life in the sewer and found the way out. You must experience it to know it. My personal experience is a testament to the effectiveness of the strategies I present.

The acronym SAD is disturbingly appropriate. Experiencing social anxiety makes us unhappy. It saddens us. I became so disgusted and self-loathing that I returned to university, disciplined myself in psychology and philosophy, and devoted myself to the study of this self-destructive and hateful entity.

A one-size-fits-all approach to recovery is ineffective. We are unique individuals with diverse experiences, environments, beliefs, needs, and aspirations. Social anxiety is unlike any other emotional malfunction. Experts continue to underrate, misunderstand, and misdiagnose it. Our reactions and responses are counterintuitive to standard recovery methods, rendering our efforts counterproductive.

The recovery approaches in this book draw from the rich diversity of human thought and experience, integrating science, psychology, philosophy, and, by extension, religious and spiritual insights to provide a comprehensive framework for understanding the human condition.

Neuroscience supports proactive and active neuroplasticity, key components of the program. Cognitive behavior modification and positive psychology focus on optimal functioning from a Western perspective, while Eastern practices contribute critical therapeutic benefits through Abhidharma psychology and principles of ethical behavior.

I revised the standard methodology to apply specifically to our condition. I pioneered the deliberate, repetitive neural input (DRNI) of information that is the foundation of proactive neuroplasticity – rapid, concentrated positive stimulation to offset the abundance of negative information in our brain’s metabolism.

And I created innovative approaches to rebuild and reclaim our self-esteem. I developed the character resume—a living record of our strengths, virtues, attributes, and achievements. A character resume is a journey of rediscovery and a catalyst for reclaiming and rebuilding our self-esteem by emphasizing our assets over our shortcomings. An evolving chronicle of our value and significance, the character resume exemplifies the wellness model of mental health.

In our workshops, we developed the Feared-Situation Plan, which contains predetermined mechanisms and skills tailored to address and alleviate potential threats to specific individual challenging situations.

I have shared these innovative techniques individually with clients and in groups and workshops. I have helped hundreds of individuals find their way out of the sewer, and I am here to help you do the same.

The Static Versus Dynamic SAD Person

There are two distinctive types of individuals experiencing SAD: the Static and the Dynamic. The static SAD individual is immobilized, perceptually trapped in their distressing state, either unable or unwilling to break free. Dynamic SAD individuals are in a constant state of flux, actively seeking ways to manage their condition and enhance their lives.

In his extensive examination of emotional malfunction, Aaron Beck, the pioneer of cognitive-behavioral therapy, posited that anxiety and depression generate feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and unworthiness. The concept of undesirability revealed itself in our SAD recovery workshops. These negative self-attributions make us feel undeserving of recovery. 

Additionally, many motivated towards treatment claim they cannot afford it due to financial hardship. The high percentage of jobless people experiencing social anxiety is related to SAD-provoked job inefficiency and instability, greater absenteeism, job dissatisfaction, and frequent job changes. Individuals with SAD are more likely to be less educated, unmarried, and have lower socioeconomic status.

These individuals are my friends, colleagues, and associates. I love them unreservedly, yet with a pervading sadness, because I cannot help those who will not help themselves.

The Dynamic SAD individual is not resigned to their condition. Instead, we are actively engaged in our recovery, demonstrating remarkable resilience and determination. Here are some characteristics of those in recovery who inspire us with their courage and commitment to change.

The Dynamic SAD individual overcomes hopelessness with renewed optimism, reframing the inconceivable with possibility. We subvert our core sense of helplessness by reanimating our self-reliance, courage, and determination. Our confidence makes us approachable, which mitigates any irrational sense of undesirability. WE are aware of our worth and significance.

What is awareness? It is the recognition, comprehension, and acceptance of the validity of something. What is validity? The quality of being logically or factually sound. As psychologist Jocelyn Sze cleverly remarks, “Awareness works like a vaccine, gradually building psychological immunity against further harm.” The antithesis of awareness is mindlessness, a state resistant to learning.

Dynamic SAD individuals do not confront their fears; they embrace them. Instead of meeting them with hostility or competing with hubris, we willingly and enthusiastically acknowledge and accept them as challenges. Our experiences are, and always will be, part of our identity.

Embracing our condition is not acquiescence, resignation, or condoning; it is genuine acceptance of who we are – imperfect beings with strengths, shortcomings, and vulnerabilities. We embrace our totality, and in doing so, we enable ourselves to transform. This is not surrender; it’s taking control and owning our destiny.

We are curious and adventurous because we have embarked on a journey of discovery. We have opened our minds to new concepts and perspectives. And we are flexible and adaptable because those are the qualities of someone who fearlessly challenges what may lie ahead.

The Dynamic SAD individual is not just a problem-solver; we are creative thinkers. We are not just risk-takers; we are bungee jumpers. We are not just energetic; we are passionate. And we are not just empowered; we are the masters of our domain.

Dynamic SAD individuals are motivated to help others evolve and flourish. We were once helpless and hopeless, and we don’t want anyone else to experience those feelings. We are a community of compassionate individuals with shared goals, commitment, and determination. And we support, uplift, and inspire, creating a strong sense of community and support.

SAD will continue to sustain itself by inflicting anxiety and fear, but those emotions have no power on their own. We fuel them; we give them their energy. Without our sustenance, they cannot survive.

Space is Limited
For Information

It is one of the best investments I have made in myself, and I will
continue to improve and benefit from it for the rest of my life. – Nick P.

Know Thyself

‘Know Thyself’ was inscribed upon the Temple of Apollo. Socrates aspired to it. Sun Tzu wrote, ‘If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.’ 

It is essential to understand that we are not all affected by social anxiety to the same degree. The extent and severity of symptoms and characteristics are subjective. We are unique individuals with diverse backgrounds and environments.

Roughly 124 million U.S. adults and adolescents experience anxiety disorders. 60% of those also experience depression and other comorbidities like ADHD and PTSD. Far too many turn to substance abuse, as I did.

Repetition, Repetition

Don’t let the technical language in this book intimidate you. Much is just fancy jargon designed to maintain the power dynamic between doctor and patient. I will break it all down into simple, understandable terms. This book is not an academic exercise but a practical, straightforward, and easily digestible guide to recovery.

You will find information repeated ad nauseam. Repetition is a key factor in learning. Repetition enhances cognition, enabling more profound and more embedded learning. When we encounter new information, our brain forms weak connections between neurons processing that information. Repetition strengthens these connections and transfers learned information from short-term to long-term memory. Information is learned, relearned, and mastered.

Tough Love and Common Sense

Common sense and tough love are the two pivotal standards of this program. Tough love is compassionate concern expressed with rigor and precision to promote healthy and responsible behavior. It operates on the principle of confronting our challenges head-on to foster positive transformation.

Common Sense

Common sense, the ability to use sound judgment based on a cultivated awareness of the facts, is a powerful tool in overcoming the irrational thoughts and behaviors that sustain our social anxiety.

Irrationality is the overriding symptom of our condition. Our left brain, the locus of analytical and logical thinking, is overwhelmed by our right hemisphere’s emotional responses, leading to a psychological imbalance. In essence, the characteristics and traits of social anxiety supersede common sense.

Recovery Goal and Objectives

The primary goal of recovery from social anxiety is the alleviation of our irrational fears and anxieties. We have a comprehensive three-pronged approach to guide us.

1. Replace or overwhelm our negative thoughts and behaviors with healthy, productive ones.
2. Reconstruct our neural network through rapid, concentrated positive stimulation to offset the abundance of negative information in our brain’s metabolism.
3. Reclaim and rebuild our self-esteem and reintegrate into society.

The recovery process is not a series of isolated steps, but a unified journey. The three-pronged approach-replacing negative thoughts and behaviors, reconstructing our neural network, and rebuilding our self-esteem-is interdependent. Each element supports the others, creating a comprehensive strategy for recovery.

This interconnectedness means that every step we take towards one objective also advances the other two, presenting a holistic approach to recovery.

Admittedly, every book on recovery lacks elements of an interactive program. Collective exercises, role-playing, group discussions, and other communal activities cannot be realized on the written page. This lacuna highlights the importance of Socratic questioning, where our thoughts and behaviors are challenged through thoughtful, relevant, open-ended questions, enabling us to make rationally informed decisions.

Socratic Questioning

Socratic questioning is a powerful tool in the recovery process. It’s a form of disciplined personal inquiry that encourages expansive and reflective solutions, rather than simple yes-or-no answers. By engaging in critical thinking, we delve deeper into our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. We challenge the validity of our perspectives to consider alternative viewpoints. This process of objective analysis, evaluation, and interpretation of our beliefs leads to the formation of rational and well-informed solutions.

The Paradox of Shame

Many people experiencing social anxiety possess a fierce reluctance to treatment. Many go to enormous lengths to remain ignorant or oblivious of SAD’s destructive capabilities, as if, by denying them, they do not exist or will somehow go away.

One of the primary reasons for this reticence is the unwarranted shame and guilt we carry for our condition. That is futile and unwarranted.

It is not our fault that we experience social anxiety. We did not ask for it, nor are we responsible for its happening. Our susceptibility to it occurred during early childhood, before we were cognizant of cause and effect. We are not accountable for the hand we were dealt.

We are, however, responsible for how we play the cards we are still holding onto.

And if you don’t think shame can have debilitating consequences on recovery, let me share TR’s story. Rather than attributing his social anxiety to a physically abusive father and emotionally detached mother, TR blamed himself for his childhood, citing that he was shy and more reclusive than his siblings, uninterested in sports and other activities preferred by his parents.

Blame and shame are closely aligned when the child blames themselves for the trauma they experience. Shame then predominates the child’s future identity. TR’s shame convinced him that he was not worthy of recovery. Once he was able to attribute his childhood trauma to his parents, he was able to dispel the groundless shame that blocked his healing.

Defense and the Indefensible

For some, aspects of our condition are challenging for our minds to manage. We develop defense mechanisms—unconscious strategies designed to protect us from our fears and apprehensions. We deny, avoid, and compensate rather than confront our problems. And we rationalize our conduct, project it onto others, or displace it by kicking the dog.

Cognitive distortions are defense mechanisms – exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that contribute to our anxiety and depression. We twist reality to reinforce or justify our toxic thoughts and behaviors. Throughout the book, we will identify and resolve the thirteen distortions particularly relevant to our condition.

We Travel This Road Together

We are all on this journey together. The path may be challenging, but it’s one we share. As we learn, practice, develop, and flourish, our shared experiences bind us, creating a network of support and understanding.

Change is indeed a formidable challenge. Habits, deeply ingrained, are not easily broken. We are psychologically and physiologically invested in them, and our very nature resists anything that disrupts their control. It’s like trying to give up your diazepam during the holidays.

Our brain’s inertia senses and combats any attempts at change, and our basal ganglia repel modification. This resistance must be shattered so that we can open ourselves to new ideas and concepts.

We begin by dissociating ourselves from our symptoms. We no longer define ourselves by our social anxiety. And we learn to define ourselves by our character strengths, virtues, attributes, and achievements.

Active Participation is Paramount

Recovery from social anxiety is not a passive process. It requires a specialized understanding of its complexity provided by someone who has experienced it firsthand. I will equip you with tools, but remember that it’s your journey, and your active participation is crucial. You will need to directly engage with the strategies and exercises provided and be open to making changes in your thinking and behavior. Your commitment to this process is key to your success.

We will harness the transformative power of neuroplasticity, which is our brain’s amazing ability to adapt and reorganize itself. By consciously compelling our brain to rewire its neural pathways, we counteract decades of negative thinking and accelerate the process of learning new, healthier ways of thinking and behaving.

Neuroplasticity strengthens neuron connections, generating more energy and producing higher levels of proteins for improved cognitive functioning. It helps reclaim and rebuild self-esteem and emotional regulation. It transmits chemical hormones associated with relaxation, concentration, pleasure, and motivation while reducing the influx of our fear and anxiety-provoking hormones.

Neuroplasticity is not a theoretical concept but a scientific reality that transforms our thoughts and behaviors, creating new mindsets, skills, and abilities. 

Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are cognitive, emotional, and behavioral strategies we use to manage our emotions, reduce anxiety, and respond to stress. They range from practiced skills we learn in recovery, e.g., slow talk and visualization, to instinctual reactions to stress, such as hiking or listening to music. Cognitive coping mechanisms equip us to structure rational reactions and responses to our irrational thoughts. Behavioral coping mechanisms provide the means to modify our behaviors.

Reframing

Cognitive reframing, a powerful tool in CBT, enables us to identify our anxiety triggers and take control of our perspective. For instance, if a social event sparks feelings of inadequacy, we can reframe it as an opportunity to enhance our social skills, thereby boosting our confidence.

Every situation offers a multitude of perspectives. When we realize that we have the freedom to choose joy and positivity, it becomes a logical and liberating decision to seize the opportunity.

Grounding

Grounding is a coping mechanism that redirects situational anxiety and stress by consciously focusing on the objects, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensations that surround us.

We learn how to influence the vagus nerve through somatic exercises, such as controlled breathing, kinesthesia, and progressive muscle relaxation. A key element of the parasympathetic nervous system, our vagus nerve helps to relax us in stressful situations.

Rational Coping Statements

Rational coping statements are logical, self-affirming responses to our situational anxieties and automatic negative thoughts. For example, if we fear rejection in a social situation, our rational coping statements might be, “I belong here as much as anyone.” “I am valuable and significant.” “I am equal to anyone here.” “My fear is irrational.” These statements are designed to counteract the negative thoughts and feelings provoked by our negative self-appraisal

These are just a small sample of the coping mechanisms we will learn and practice in this book.

Boundaries

By setting boundaries, we establish the standards of treatment we expect and are entitled to. Boundaries shield us from invasions of our space, feelings, limitations, and expectations, preventing others from exploiting or taking advantage of us. In essence, by setting boundaries, we reclaim our power and assert our identity.

Reconstructing Our Neural Information

Changing habits, removing ourselves from hostile environments, and breaking patterns that disrupt our optimal functioning can be difficult. Of the two billion bits of data per second that surround our sensory systems, our conscious brain processes roughly ten bits. Inputting crafted and relevant information to ensure its noticeability is crucial. We will identify the criteria for creating practical and detailed information that positively reconstructs our neural network.

The most effective information is calculated and tailored to our intentions and motivations. Are we focused on a specific challenge? Are we reinforcing a personal attribute? And are we addressing our negative thoughts and behaviors? What is the ultimate milestone we want to achieve?

By setting clear, specific goals, we significantly enhance the quality of information that supports the desired outcome. Information or experiences that our brain notices and processes alert millions of neurons, accelerating and consolidating neural restructuring to offset the abundance of negative information in our brain’s metabolism.

Balancing our Neural Hemispheres

Hemispheric synchronization is the harmonious collaboration of our brain’s left and right hemispheres to achieve optimal coherence. Due to the emotional overload of our condition, we possess a low EQ (emotional intelligence), which refers to our ability to manage and respond to our own emotions and those of others. We learn how to harness the power of our left hemisphere’s analytical, problem-solving, and communication skills to balance our right brain’s irrational emotions and expressions.

The book will guide us in crafting a comprehensive plan to manage our situational triggers. We delve into questions such as: What is challenging for me under these circumstances? How do I feel (physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually)?

What concerns or worries confront me? What is the worst outcome we believe could happen? And what might occur? Who or what do we avoid due to these feelings?

By identifying our triggers, we unveil the anxiety-provoking thoughts that surface in anticipation of or during our feared situations. This allows us to take control and devise a plan that includes pre-established coping mechanisms. As Ben Franklin wisely said, ‘Failing to plan is planning to fail.’

We also demonstrate the power and productivity of visualization. To our brain, visualizing is akin to doing it; the same cognitive processes are activated. Visualizing raising our left hand is neurally indistinguishable from physically raising our left hand. This technique not only readies us for anxiety-provoking situations but also boosts our confidence and reduces anticipatory anxiety, thereby increasing the likelihood of a successful outcome.

Establishing, Developing, and Maintaining Relationships

The desire for love and acceptance is at the heart of social anxiety, but our symptoms disrupt our ability to establish collegial and affectional bonds in almost any capacity. Human connection is crucial to emotional health.

Extensive research demonstrates that healthy social interaction strengthens our immune system and shields us from neurodegenerative disease. Socializing triggers the release of chemical hormones that boost our learning, concentration, and motivation.

Our fears of rejection and intimacy that hinder our ability to form and sustain healthy relationships are mitigated by reclaiming and rebuilding our self-esteem.

Self-Esteem

Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs sheds light on how social anxiety’s negative trajectory affects our self-esteem. Certain preconditions must be met for healthy psychological development, including adequate sleep, security and safety, parental protection, and a healthy environment. Our childhood disturbance and environment subvert the satisfaction of these needs.

Rebuilding our self-esteem and reintegrating into society are primary objectives of recovery. Despite the disruption to our optimal development, the qualities that construct our self-esteem are not lost but are rudimentary or interrupted. Just as stimulating the unexercised muscles in an arm or leg reconditions it, we can also rebuild our self-esteem.

The byproduct of healthy self-esteem is self-compassion, a powerful tool that fosters a sense of awareness and empathy that we naturally extend to others. As caring and compassionate social beings, we are driven to reintegrate into society and pay it forward. But it’s equally important to extend this compassion to ourselves, recognizing that self-forgiveness is essential for growth and healthy relationships.

We learn to value ourselves and recognize our importance in the lives of others. We take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others. This act of self-care is not selfish, but a necessary step in maintaining healthy relationships, as it allows us to be our best selves for those we care about.

The Indispensability of Forgiveness

It’s impossible to gauge the severity of the harm we perpetrate upon another. We feel shame and guilt for committing the deed and for being the type of person who would do such a thing. These emotions are resolved by accepting responsibility, making direct or substitutional amends, and forgiving ourselves. Forgiveness liberates us from the past, releasing us from the weight of vengeance and vindictiveness.

Self-transgression is prevalent in social anxiety. We beat ourselves up daily. By forgiving ourselves, we reclaim our sense of worth, enabling us to move forward with strength and confidence.

Much of our negative neural information stems from the unsettled debris of shame and guilt that clouds our thoughts, influences our behaviors, and strains our relationships. This ‘unsettled debris’ refers to the lingering effects of past actions or experiences that continue to affect us.

Recovery requires letting go of our negative self-perspectives, expectations, and beliefs. It’s about freeing ourselves from the shackles of shame, guilt, and other hostile self-indulgences. Forgiveness opens us up to new possibilities, unencumbered by past acts. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

When faced with challenges or obstacles, it is tempting to abandon the struggle and admit defeat. Stay the course, my friends. It becomes exponentially easier as we progress, and your determination is the key to your success.

Stop. Take A Break. Reward Yourself

We have been our harshest critic for too long. It’s crucial to give ourselves credit for the constructive changes we’re making. For every positive thought, attempt, or interaction, take a moment to congratulate yourself on your progress. Committing to recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do. It takes enormous courage and the realization that you are of value, consequential, and deserving of happiness.

Acknowledging and rewarding your efforts in our recovery is vital to your mental well-being. Self-reward is a tangible symbol of your progress. It triggers the release of positive hormones, including endorphins for relaxation, GABA and serotonin to quell anxiety, and dopamine for a sense of happiness and calm. Self-reward boosts your mood and fuels your motivation to keep pushing forward.

You are integral and interrelated to all things, the lifeblood of being, the ultimate, dynamic, and creative ground of the universe(s), with the power to lift the human spirit.

So, see a movie, visit Baskin-Robbins, brunch with a friend, or treat yourself to a day at the spa.

Then move on to Chapter One.

_________

About the Editor

Olalekan Raji’s most recent publication is A Gospel Breakthrough with Kenya’s Maasai. Olalekan is a freelance writer with the WORLD News Group. He is a human capacity development enthusiast with experience in fisheries and aquaculture, public speaking, social work, and church missions. He lives in Banjul, Gambia, with his wife and child.

INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY. The symptoms of social anxiety make it challenging for some to participate in a collective workshop. Dr. Mullen works one-on-one with a select group of individuals uneasy in a group setting. ReChanneling offers scholarships to accommodate the costs. What is absent in group activities is provided in our monthly Graduate Recovery Group. In this supportive community, graduates interact with others who have completed the program. Contact ‘rmullenphd@gmail.com’.

Committing to recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
It takes enormous courage and the realization that you are of value,
 consequential, and deserving of happiness. 

Publisher Comment

Your book—Tough Love and Common Sense: Recovery from Social Anxiety (working title)—sounds both timely and impactful, especially given your dual perspective as an academic behaviorist and someone with lived experience.
The integration of traditional and non-traditional methodologies, supported by neuroscience, CBT, and positive psychology, combined with your real-world application through workshops, makes this a compelling addition to the self-help and mental health space. The inclusion of black-and-white diagrams will no doubt enhance accessibility and understanding for readers.
It’s clear you’ve invested significant effort in developing this material, and the fact that your earlier work has already received positive reception strengthens the book’s potential for mass appeal.
Karl Baushman
Head of Publishing and Marketing
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