Recovery from Social and Performance Anxiety
and Related Conditions
Robert F Mullen, PhD
Director/ReChanneling
For each new subscriber, ReChanneling donates $25 for workshop scholarships.
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Upcoming Events
September 2026: Guest Blog – Wild Ink Publishing
October 26, 2026: 1,000 readers in Wanstead, England
October 26, 2026: Conversation with Ari Shapiro
PBS Public Media hosted by Jade Hindman, San Diego
October 28, 2026: 8,300 readers in San Diego, CA
October 29, 2026: 1,800 readers in St. Paul, MN
November 3, 2026: 3,200 readers in London
November 10, 2026: 1952 members in Pasadena
November23, 2026: The Bobby Bones Show
November 24, 2026: 1,200 readers in Branford, CT
TBD November 2026: 1767 readers in Liverpool
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Fallacy of Fairness
and Heaven’s Reward
The Fallacy of Fairness
The “fallacy of fairness” is the unrealistic belief that life should be equitable. Most people grapple with this notion at some point, as we measure fairness by how well it meets our personal preferences.
We know how we want to be treated, and anything that conflicts with our expectations can seem unfair and, sometimes, unbearable.
Fairness, however, is a subjective assessment, shaped by our beliefs and experiences. It reflects our biased view of how others, institutions, and even nature should respond to our wants and expectations. When reality doesn’t align with our perceptions of fairness, we often experience self-indulgent emotions, like anger, self-pity, and disappointment.
The idea that everything should be fair and reasonable is noble, but it isn’t practical. People are inherently self-oriented, and institutions pursue their own agendas. Only nature itself is impartial.
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It is one of the best investments I have made in myself, and I will
continue to improve and benefit from it for the rest of my life. – Nick P.
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It is natural and reasonable to want things to go our way. However, expecting them to go our way is unrealistic. As Grandpa says in The Princess Bride, “Who says life is fair? Where is that written?
Our concept of fairness often rests on conditional assumptions that let us avoid personal accountability. For example, thinking, “If my teacher knew how hard I studied, she’d give me a passing grade,” overlooks the fact that effort does not always lead to comprehension. Teachers base grades on test results, and the willingness and ability to learn are subjective. It may seem unfair to the student, but that is wishful thinking.
An excellent example of the fallacy of fairness involves two friends who grow up in the same environment, attend the same college, and end up working at the same law firm. Paul is successful and on the fast track to partnership, while Andrew can’t climb the corporate ladder. Resentful of Paul’s success, Andrew is convinced the firm is mistreating him. He believes he deserves as much as his friend. Worse, he begrudges Paul for not supporting him as he thinks he should.
However, success relies on many factors, including luck, relationships, timing, and skill. Fairness isn’t a top priority for companies.
For those experiencing social anxiety, it is common to feel that life is unfair compared to people without these struggles. The phrase, “If my parents had treated me better, I wouldn’t have social anxiety,” is a common complaint. It is also flawed. Despite our desire to assign responsibility, the origins of childhood disturbance are often unclear, and blaming is not conducive to personal growth and recovery.
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Heaven’s Reward Fallacy
Closely related to the fallacy of fairness is the “heaven’s reward fallacy,” which is the belief that our hard work and selflessness will be justly rewarded. It assumes that if we act with grace and diligence, success and happiness will follow.
Aaron Beck describes this fallacy as the inaccurate belief that our hard work and altruism will be rewarded and that a higher power is keeping score. Although heavenly rewards refer to the afterlife, we still seek assurance in our present circumstances. Expecting reward for our productivity can cause disappointment and resentment when they don’t materialize.
Unhealthy Motivations and Their Consequences
Additionally, anticipating rewards for our actions often causes overcompensation, as we go beyond what is necessary to please others. In doing so, we become codependent, relying on others for our sense of worth and identity while neglecting our own needs.
Alternatively, we may enable others, justifying or supporting their behaviors to gain favor or friendship. This can lead to being exploited in our quest for validation.
Reasonable Expectations
Both the fallacy of fairness and the heaven’s reward fallacy stem from our desire for fairness and reciprocity. However, believing life is inherently fair and that our virtuous actions will be recognized is naive and unrealistic. We may convince ourselves our actions are selfless, but they are often driven by our need for acknowledgment and appreciation.
Fallacies in Relationships and the Workplace
Expecting equitable reciprocity in relationships is unrealistic. Our desire for acknowledgment can make us overly eager to please, which may be off-putting. When intimate partners fail to meet our expectations, it can lead to unhealthy, unsustainable relationships.
In the workplace, expecting special recognition for going above and beyond is all too common. Valuing ourselves based on how others perceive us, rather than on our abilities and work performance, can easily undermine collegiality and productivity.
Life is unpredictable, and our emotional well-being should come from within, not from external validation or rewards. Becoming aware of our tendency to fall into these fallacies can help us avoid the bitterness and self-recrimination that come with unmet expectations. By setting reasonable expectations and focusing on personal accountability, we can develop healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
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A Survivor’s Common Sense Approach
to Recovery from Social Anxiety
Buy Now and Review
To contribute to reader reviews on Amazon, you must have spent at least $50 on Amazon.com using a valid credit or debit card in the past 12 months.
If you don’t have a Kindle and find the $16.99 price of the paperback out of reach, the publisher allows us to email a copy of the book to anyone willing to post a review. Contact me at rmullenphd@gmail.com, and I will gladly send you a copy.
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Film Review
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
By Alan Baiss & Joseh Garcia
An award-winning film by university colleagues of mine that incorporates integral psychology and transcultural wisdom and spirituality. The film correctly posits that an evolutionary shift in human consciousness is required before today’s global crises can be effectively and deeply addressed. It has been well-received worldwide
SÃO PAULO: October 29th
BELO HORIZONTE: November 13th
RECIFE: November 13th
NATAL: November 18th
RIO DE JANEIRO: November 27th
BRASILIA: December 1st and 15th
I’ll review the film when it returns to the States.
It is an achievement that should be seen by everyone
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Other Recommended Books/Films from Clients and Colleagues
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INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY. The symptoms of social anxiety make it challenging for some to participate in a collective workshop. Dr. Mullen works one-on-one with a select group of individuals uneasy in a group setting. ReChanneling offers scholarships to accommodate the costs. What is absent in group activities is provided in our monthly Graduate Recovery Group. In this supportive community, graduates interact with others who have completed the program. Contact ‘rmullenphd@gmail.com’
ReChanneling develops and implements programs to (1) reduce symptoms of social anxiety and related conditions and (2) pursue personal goals and objectives — harnessing our natural ability for extraordinary living. Our core approach focuses on personality through empathy, collaboration, and program integration, using neuroscience and psychology, including proactive neuroplasticity, cognitive-behavioral therapy, positive psychology, and techniques to rebuild self-esteem. All donations go toward scholarships for groups and workshops.
This article describes why we may feel discounted and unworthy – seeking external sources/people to justify our feelings. It becomes a viscous cycle that leads to many cognitive distortions and drives our anxiety to please others. I believe it is a learned dysfunctional coping skill that evolved from “working from without” instead of “from within” our natural self. The harder we try to please and fail – anger, depression and despair follows, creating self-sabotage and distrust of self. A clear example of having one’s power destroyed because of the need to please and adopting a life “should-be-fair” mentality. Thanks for this clarifying article and wake-up call to be accountable to self first and find the balance when seeking approval and fairness.