Recovery from Social Anxiety and Related Conditions
Robert F Mullen, PhD
Director/ReChanneling
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The Fallacy of Fairness and Heaven’s Reward
This is a pre-edited excerpt from my upcoming book on social anxiety, tentatively titled A TOUGH LOVE AND COMMON SENSE APPROACH to Recovery from Social Anxiety.
A fallacy is a belief based on unreliable evidence and unsound arguments, as in the control fallacy, where we either believe someone has power and control over things that happen to us or (2) we hold that type of power over others.
The Fallacy of Fairness
The fallacy of fairness is a very relatable cognitive distortion. It’s the unrealistic assumption that life should be fair. This distortion, commonly associated with children who believe the world revolves around them, is a common trap for those of us experiencing social anxiety. We find ourselves irrationally convinced that we are constantly under scrutiny, the unfair focal point of everyone’s attention.
Human Concept of Fairness
It is human nature to equate fairness with how well our personal preferences are met. Our concept of fairness is based on how well others, institutions, and nature meet our needs, desires, and expectations. We know how we want to be treated, and anything that conflicts with that can seem unreasonable and distressing, generating anger, frustration, resentment, and other negative emotions.
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The Unrealism of Fairness
The belief that everything should be based on fairness and equality is a noble but unrealistic philosophy. We can strive for such things, but life is inequitable. People are self-oriented, and institutions are singularly focused on profits. Only nature is impartial.
Fairness is subjective. Rarely do two people agree on its application. However, the distortion is deeply ingrained in us, leading to irrational thoughts and behaviors.
It’s perfectly rational and normal to want things to work in our favor. However, expecting them to do so unfailingly is an extreme and unrealistic demand. As Grandpa wisely remarks in The Princess Bride, “Who says life is fair? Where is that written?”
Conditional Assumptions
We often base our concept of fairness on conditional assumptions, which allows us to avoid personal accountability. Conditional words and statements are contingent upon something else. For something to happen, something else must be implicated. A conditional clause is made up of two parts, a main clause and an “if” clause. An example is “If my teacher knew how hard I studied, she’d give me a passing grade.” The grade is contingent upon the teacher knowing how hard the student studied. Even if the teacher is aware of the student’s effort, studying does not guarantee comprehension, and grades are based on results.
Additionally, both the teacher’s grading and the student’s depth of study are subjectively determined. Fairness does not enter into the equation.
The experience of social anxiety is conditional. Something had to happen to create susceptibility to our condition., For example, “If my parents had treated me better, I wouldn’t have social anxiety disorder.” However, equating our condition to unfairness is futile and imprudent. Feeling sorry for ourselves or assigning blame impedes recovery, which is replacing negative thoughts and behaviors with positive ones.
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Social Anxiety’s Indeterminate Causes
The causes of our condition are indeterminate. Scientists may have linked the serotonin transporter gene “SLC6A4” to social anxiety disorder, but anxiety is produced by polygenic traits controlled by multiple genes and supported by numerous other factors. Notwithstanding our desire to source our disorder, blaming is irrational, given the evidence.
Heaven’s Reward Fallacy
The fallacy of fairness is commonly associated with heaven’s reward fallacy, which is the unreasonable assumption that we will be equitably rewarded for our hard work and sacrifice. As Aaron Beck explains, heaven’s reward fallacy is the belief that some entity is keeping track of all our sacrifices and self-denial, for which we will be justly recompensed. Although heaven implies reward in the afterlife, we are emotionally vested in the here and now. When rewards don’t materialize, it can lead to an endless cycle of disappointment and bitterness.
While our kind and charitable deeds may be appreciated and reciprocated in this lifetime, it is unreasonable to presume that it will happen. If our expectations are unmet, emotional repercussions aggravate our social anxiety, leading to depression, animosity, and self-recrimination.
Unhealthy Motivations
Our expectations are real and visceral. Unreasonable expectations can lead to overcompensation, where we do more than is necessary or practical to please others. We become codependent, relying on others for our sense of self-worth and identity, often sacrificing our own needs in the process. This is what we mean by ‘unhealthy motivations.’ Our actions are driven by a need for external validation rather than our emotional well-being.
We can also become consummate enablers, justifying, encouraging, or contributing to someone else’s harmful behaviors to gain their favor and friendship. Rather than enforcing our boundaries, we allow ourselves to be bullied and taken advantage of, seeking affirmation and appreciation.
Set Reasonable Expectations
These two fallacies are rooted in our innate desire for recognition and acceptance. The naïve belief that all our efforts will be noticed, appreciated, or reciprocated, however, is an unreasonable expectation that will inevitably be unmet.
To set reasonable expectations, we must acknowledge that not all our efforts will be noticed or reciprocated. We learn to focus on our well-being and the intrinsic value of our actions, rather than seeking external validation.
Fairness in Relationships
Let’s consider our relationships. It is ingenuous to assume that our contributions to a relationship are always reciprocated. Remember, fairness is subjective. Our fear of rejection often compels overzealousness, which can be off-putting. Even if our giving is appreciated, expecting a satisfying and equitable return is unreasonable and can lead to resentment and disappointment, which suggests an unsustainable relationship
It is typical for individuals to hope for equity or reciprocation for their efforts. However, people and institutions are internally motivated, and nature is apathetic. Life is a crapshoot. By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can devise logical resolutions and practical solutions, knowing that our emotional well-being is internally driven and should be determined, as little as possible, by external factors.
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INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY. The symptoms of social anxiety make it challenging for some to participate in a collective workshop. Dr. Mullen works one-on-one with a select group of individuals uneasy in a group setting. ReChanneling offers scholarships to accommodate the costs. What is missed in group activities is provided in our monthly, no-cost Graduate Recovery Group. In this supportive community, graduates interact with others who have completed the program. Contact ‘rmullenphd@gmail.com’.
Committing to recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
It takes enormous courage and the realization that you are of value,
consequential, and deserving of happiness.
Here’s a short satirical, funny story that explains the fallacy of fairness in a way that gets the point across while making you laugh:
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“Kevin the Camel and the Fairness Committee”
Once upon a time in the Great Desert of Expectations, there lived a hardworking camel named Kevin.
Kevin was a model camel citizen. He carried loads without complaining, drank responsibly at the oasis, and always picked up after himself. Other camels wore sunglasses and scrolled TikTok under palm trees, but Kevin? Kevin excelled in sand etiquette.
One day, he applied for “Camel of the Month.”
He didn’t win.
Instead, the award went to Gary—the camel who once got his hump stuck in a vending machine and called it “performance art.”
Kevin was outraged. “This is an injustice! I did everything right!”
He marched to the Great Council of Fairness—a dusty tent run by three goats in ironic hats.
Kevin pleaded, “I work hard! I follow the rules! Where’s my reward?”
The goats looked at each other and handed him a scroll. It read:
“Life is not a vending machine. You don’t insert virtue and receive a trophy. Thank you for playing.”
Kevin blinked. “But I’ve been good!”
“Indeed,” said one goat, sipping cold brew, “but fairness isn’t a contract—it’s more like a badly managed suggestion box.”
Kevin slumped off into the sand, muttering, “Maybe I’ll just start a podcast.”
And from that day on, he still did the right thing—but he stopped expecting the universe to clap for it. He even smiled the next time Gary walked by wearing a sash that said ‘Most Improved Hump.’
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Moral of the story?
Life doesn’t owe you a parade, even if you shovel everyone else’s camel dung. Do right because it matters to you—not because the universe has a punch card.
Chameleon. A clever and amusing tale that enlightens the concept of fairness. Deserves inclusion in the monthly newsletter.