Recovery from social anxiety and related conditions
Robert F Mullen
Director/ReChanneling
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The Examined Life
Excerpts from our upcoming book, A Tough Love, Common Sense Approach to Recovery from Social Anxiety, currently in final editing.
Brief History of Social Anxiety
While Hippocrates wrote of shyness and social inadequacy roughly 2,500 years ago, the term’ social anxiety’ is a relatively recent diagnosis. The 1930s saw the introduction of ‘social neurosis’ to describe extreme shyness, which later evolved into ‘social phobia’ in 1980 and eventually ‘social anxiety disorder’ in 1994.
This historical evolution of the term’ social anxiety‘ provides us with a deeper understanding of its complexities and helps us navigate its modern manifestations. Over this period, SAD was conflated with generalized anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder. Even today, experts sometimes confuse social anxiety with social phobia, agoraphobia, and other emotional issues.
In fact, most of us dealing with social anxiety also have at least one additional comorbid disorder, further highlighting the need for individualized treatment. This prevalence of comorbid disorders is a common experience among those with social anxiety, and it’s important to recognize that we are not alone in our struggles.
Major depression and substance abuse are the most common, followed by simple phobias and generalized anxiety disorder. Comorbid anxiety disorders, such as OC-D, panic disorder, and agoraphobia, are also evident.
When I returned to university in my late forties, recovery methods for our condition were still in their formative stages and, as I later discovered, poorly invested in social anxiety. It remains the most underrated and misunderstood of all disorders.
Research indicates that social anxiety exists on a continuum, from mild shyness to severe social anxiety disorder. The key distinction lies in the severity of the condition. We use the acronym SAD for social anxiety and social phobia/social anxiety disorder, as each indicates a moderate to high level of disability and functional impairment.
In addition to the common symptoms, individuals experiencing SAD are statistically more likely to face challenges such as dropping out of school, unemployment, underemployment, being unmarried or divorced, reduced social interaction, dissatisfaction with leisure activities, and experiencing suicidal thoughts.
Sixty to eighty percent of us also experience depression, substance abuse, and at least one other anxiety disorder. Because of its proximate comorbidity to depression, we are subject to the same sense of helplessness, hopelessness, undesirability, and worthlessness alluded to by the pioneer of cognitive behavior therapy, Dr. Aaron Beck.
Not only does SAD convince us that recovery is hopeless, but our negative self-appraisal is so overwhelming that we deem ourselves unworthy of happiness and convince ourselves we are helpless to do anything about it. We can’t envision a light at the end of the tunnel because so much negativity is blocking our view.
Understanding social anxiety is a deeply personal journey. Often referred to as the ‘neglected anxiety disorder’, it became clear to me that traditional treatments were not working, but the reasons remained elusive.
After extensive research and personal application, I came to understand that the complexities of social anxiety, much like the mysteries of the ancient Greek Eleusinian cult, are only revealed to those who have experienced it firsthand. This personal journey of understanding is something many of us can relate to, and it forms a crucial part of our recovery process.
In other words, only someone who has walked in our shoes and mastered the intricacies of social anxiety can effectively guide us through recovery. Clinically sound and well-intentioned recovery methods are problematic because they are designed for disorders that do not sustain themselves through irrational thoughts and behaviors.
“Dr. Mullen is doing impressive work helping the world. He is the pioneer of proactive neuroplasticity utilizing DRNI – deliberate, repetitive, neural information.” – WeVoice (Madrid, Málaga)
What is SAD
SAD is a multifaceted and intricate health condition – a master of disguise that withholds its secrets from those who haven’t experienced its enigmatic and catastrophic nature. It is more emotionally complex than a hormonal teenager.
Social anxiety steals our autonomy, hopes, and dreams. It makes us feel unwelcome and exposed. It crushes our self-esteem, causing us to doubt our worth and abilities. And it saps our confidence and desirability, causing us to avoid social activities and personal connectivity.
Social avoidance is one of the most prevalent behaviors in SAD. Social connection improves our physical health and mental and emotional well-being. And SAD does not want us to be healthy and happy because that diminishes its power and releases us from its insidious grasp.
I have worked with far too many incredible individuals who approach recovery with the best intentions but lack the resolve because their fears overwhelm them.
SAD sustains itself by compelling irrational thoughts and behaviors that become so habitual that they normalize. Although our condition causes a considerable amount of suffering, many individuals experiencing SAD do not seek medical attention because they do not perceive their condition as abnormal.
SAD traps us in a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety, restricting us from taking advantage of opportunities. Our fear of disapproval is so severe that we avoid the life-affirming experiences that connect us with others and the world. We fear the unknown and unexplored. We worry about how others perceive us and how we express ourselves.
While occasional anxiety is a regular part of life, we tend to personalize and dramatize our anxiety, ostensibly blowing it out of proportion and obsessing over its alleged power and influence, not recognizing that we fuel its authority.
We endure anxiety for weeks before a situation, engaging in anticipatory processing, a term that refers to the habit of predicting worst-case scenarios. We project criticism, rejection, and embarrassment in every social engagement, and we mold our behaviors to make our self-fulfilling prophecy happen.
Afterwards, we engage in post-event processing, where we ruminate obsessively about every negative aspect of our participation, agonizing over every perceived mistake or flawed interaction.
It’s no wonder we avoid social and performance activities.
Experiencing SAD is like one of those movies in which aliens invade human bodies, controlling their thoughts and behaviors. The only remedy is logic and self-awareness, causing them to wither and die. Social anxiety feeds off our misery and hopelessness, surviving through our fears and anxieties.
Understanding how our social anxiety deceives and manipulates us is a crucial step towards recovery. By recognizing the symptoms and characteristics of our condition, we gain the tools to ameliorate its power. Enabling us to take control of our lives.
We fear situations in which we may be judged negatively, criticized, or even ridiculed. Since it is human nature to evaluate others and form opinions, we avoid situations and activities where there is even a slight likelihood of being scrutinized.
Subsequently, we avoid engaging with people, fearing we will embarrass or humiliate ourselves. Our self-esteem is so fragile that we often feign disinterest when someone approaches us. Convinced that we will be rejected as undesirable, awkward, or inferior.
We fear that others will notice our anxiety by revealing physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, nausea, or speaking incoherently. We desperately want to make a favorable impression and are unduly concerned that any detection of our anxiety will expose us and make others uncomfortable.
Social anxiety instills in us unsound fears and apprehensions that are disproportionate to the actual situation. It limits our expectations, causing us to miss opportunities for friendship and intimacy.
Knowing Ourselves
It is essential to understand how we are individually affected by SAD. Each of us, as unique individuals with diverse experiences, environments, beliefs, needs, and aspirations, experiences SAD in a highly subjective way.
Some of us are more severely affected than others. Some relate to specific symptoms, while others do not. And some individuals are afraid of all or almost all social situations. While others are afraid of only a few of them. Some coping mechanisms may be more effective than others or may work sporadically.
It is productive to distinguish the primary focus of our anxiety, e.g., anxiety related to social interaction versus anxiety related to performance.
Simple tasks, such as eating in front of others, talking on the phone, or using public transportation or a public restroom, can be unduly stressful. We often find ourselves seeking invisibility to avoid participation.
One client bravely shared, “I spent high school trying to hide in every dark corner with a book in my face. I never once ate lunch in four years, and never once went to the bathroom in four years at my high school, for fear of having to interact with people.”
Living with SAD means navigating a paradoxical emotional landscape. We find ourselves craving companionship while shunning intimacy. Fearing that we will be deemed unlikable. This internal conflict can be overwhelming, leading to a constant state of anxiety and fear.
It’s not fear that destroys our lives, but the strategies we develop to avoid confrontation. At the peak of my social anxiety, I would circle the block repeatedly before a social situation to bolster my courage. Often, I ended up in the bar across the street rather than the event, a clear example of self-loathing through avoidance.
Our social interactions are often clumsy, small talk is inelegant, and attempts at humor are embarrassing. Our anticipation of rejection motivates us to dismiss overtures that could offset any possibility of being turned down.
SAD is repressive and intractable, imposing self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. It establishes its authority through defeatist measures, which are actions or thoughts that reinforce a sense of failure and inadequacy, produced by distorted and unsound interpretations of reality. These defeatist measures can include self-criticism, avoidance of social situations, and negative self-talk, all of which perpetuate the cycle of anxiety and fear.
Sharing our experiences with social anxiety is like trying to describe an obscure mathematical equation to someone who doesn’t understand math – a solitary and often fruitless endeavor, as others struggle to comprehend our issue. ‘So, you have anxiety. Who doesn’t?’ is a typical response. This leads to a reticence to disclose our condition, as we fear being misunderstood or ridiculed.
Alleviating the symptoms of social anxiety is a gradual process that requires patience, introspection, and persistence. It’s not about rushing to find the answers, but about understanding the journey and the process that leads to them.
What makes us tick? What triggers our fears and apprehensions? Where do we feel anxious or fearful? What activities are we engaged in, and what thoughts arise? How do we feel (physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually)? What specific concerns or worries do we have? What is the worst thing that could happen? What do we imagine might occur? Who, where, or what do we avoid due to these feelings?
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“It is one of the best investments I have made in myself, and I will
continue to improve and benefit from it for the rest of my life.” – Nick P.
Associated Fears
Associated fears are the fears we experience during a fear-inducing situation. To identify these fears, it’s essential to pay attention to our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations when we find ourselves in such situations. For example, if our fear involves a social gathering, our associated fears might include that no one will talk to us, that we will feel like we don’t belong, or that our physical symptoms will become obvious.
If our situation is the barber or beauty shop, our fears may stem from difficulty making small talk with our hairdresser. Or feeling like we are the glaring center of attention while trapped in the chair. If our fear occurs during Sunday dinner with family, our fears may stem from parental disapproval. Or the belief that our achievements are overshadowed by those of our siblings, making us feel small and inferior.
Every fear situation and associated fear are subjective, diverse, and extremely meaningful.
One Size Does Not Fit All
It’s essential to recognize that social anxiety is a complex condition, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. A comprehensive treatment program must take into account our unique environment, heritage, background, and relationships. To achieve this, it employs a range of traditional and non-traditional methodologies, developed through a combination of client trust, cultural understanding, and therapeutic innovation.
This complexity underscores the uniqueness of your journey and the need for a personalized approach.
It incorporates complementary approaches, such as proactive and active neuroplasticity, cognitive-behavioral therapy, positive psychology, recovery-oriented cognitive therapy, schema therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, rational emotive behavior therapy, and gradual exposure therapy, among other methods developed through research and our workshops.
Counterintuitive and Counterproductive
Remember when our parents and teachers advised us to trust our intuition? Unless we’re sociopaths, that’s good advice. Unfortunately, social anxiety sustains itself by perpetuating irrational thoughts and behaviors, which, by their very nature, are counterintuitive to rational productivity.
Counterproductive means that any attempt to do something has the opposite of the desired effect. Social anxiety thrives by introducing thoughts and behaviors that are counterproductive to our emotional well-being.
Everything that stems from our condition – every idea, instinct, expression, thought, and behavior – is counterproductive unless we understand how social anxiety sustains itself. This is why our attempts at recovery have been ineffective. They have been nonproductive, generating the opposite of the desired effect.
Counterintuitive means that our instincts and intuitions lead us to actions that are not in our best interest. For example, if our intuition tells us that something is logical and correct, it is likely wrong. This is why it’s important to remember that our intuition is likely counterproductive.
When our intuition prompts us to do something, it is prudent to do the opposite or do nothing. Because our actions will be counterintuitive and therefore counterproductive. And, if our intuition tells us that something is logical and correct, it is likely wrong.
Like the toddler given the choice of candy or a carrot, social anxiety compels us to choose the unhealthy option. The devil sits on our right shoulder, our angel on the left. Our condition deafens our left ear.
When we later discuss hemispheric synchronization, we learn that our cerebrum consists of two hemispheres. Our left hemisphere is the hub of logic, analysis, and rationality. While the right is the seat of creativity, imagination, and intuition. Before recovery, our actions are driven by emotions. Our right hemisphere overwhelms the left, leading us to make judgments and decisions based on our feelings rather than evidence.
Like salmon, we swim against the current.
Even when the logical choice is clear, SAD steers us in the opposite direction. It operates in its own ‘Bizarro’ world, where the rules of logic and reason are turned upside down. What appears right is usually wrong, and what makes sense is nonsensical.
While traditional recovery programs may be effective for most mental health conditions, social anxiety requires a distinct and specialized approach from someone who has journeyed with social anxiety and reached the destination of recovery. I understand social anxiety intimately. I’ve been there, experienced it, and have the T-shirt to show for it.
I’m here to tell you that there is a way out of this darkness. An escape from the sewer you find yourselves in. Recovery is a reality. However, contrary to some well-intentioned misinformation, there is no absolute cure for social anxiety disorder. But there is dramatic mitigation of its symptoms. Someone may have told you otherwise, or you may have read Internet success stories, but there is no magic pill.
Some experts claim pharmaceuticals cure our condition, but drugs are short-term solutions. Contrary to popular thought, medication does not permanently change brain chemistry.
Negative thoughts and behaviors have inundated our neural network since childhood. They are an integral part of who we are and the makeup of our personality. Recovery does not erase our past, memories, or experiences. That would require a lobotomy.
Recovery provides us with new, positive perspectives, but we cannot dismiss decades of negative self-appraisal. And that’s a blessing because these memories and experiences make us more aware and compassionate human beings.
Ultimately, it’s a fundamental choice. Are you content with who you are now, or do you aspire to change for the better? Do you choose to be miserable or to be happy? The power to make this choice is in your hands. Choose self-satisfaction, choose happiness. Don’t fall for SAD games. Choose recovery.
In the words of John Greenleaf Whittier. “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, “It might have been.”
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WHY IS YOUR SUPPORT SO NECESSARY AND ESSENTIAL? ReChanneling develops and implements programs to (1) mitigate symptoms of social anxiety and related conditions and (2) pursue personal goals and objectives – harnessing our intrinsic aptitude for extraordinary living. Our paradigmatic approach targets the personality through empathy, collaboration, and program integration utilizing neuroscience and psychology including proactive neuroplasticity, cognitive-behavioral modification, positive psychology, and techniques designed to regenerate self-esteem. All donations support scholarships for groups and workshops.
INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY. The symptoms of social anxiety make it challenging for some to participate in a collective workshop. Dr. Mullen works one-on-one with a select group of individuals uneasy in a group setting. ReChanneling offers scholarships to accommodate the costs. What is absent in group activities is provided in our monthly, no-cost Graduate Recovery Group. In this supportive community, graduates interact with others who have completed the program. Contact ‘rmullenphd@gmail.com’.
Committing to recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
It takes enormous courage and the realization that you are of value,
consequential, and deserving of happiness.
